Memory Chords

(First off... this post is dedicated to my uncle, Michael Cantrell, as he moves from KY to the great state of Texas, love ya Mike!)

Music... funny how important and instrumental it is in our lives, and how integrated it is in our intimate daily lives. Come on, we all love music... be it jamming to the radio, head banging at the show, nodding to the slight indifferences in the jazz notes, or just singing terribly in the shower... you gotta admit it has it’s hold on us.
Now to to real topic at hand, and as always, that would be me. (Ha!) Seriously though, in the past few years I've noticed a significant shift in my appreciation of musical styles or at the very least in my individual album tastes. We all change, and in my personal experience 2-3 years is around about the timespam that you begin to look back and realize that you never really knew the person you were back then. So what is it that tells us who the person we are today is? I say: "turn to the music" Meaning look closely at the music you liked and specifically the albums that you loved back then. Do it... believe me you'll remember. For some reason that’s what music does to us, for better or worse, music reminds us. Often to humorous, great times spent with friends and family, with the power to transport us back to that special happy place or time. But it can also bring back that painful memory or lovelorn past. And each can be equally beautiful and beneafitual in its own right, however joyous or hurtful. So the question looms "where are you today?" Personally I can say that I'm reflective, remorseful, ambitious, unpredictable, slightly vindictive, and yet hopeful. (meaning albumwise:) A whole alotta Death Cab for Cutie, mixed with Taking Back Sunday, My Chemical Romance, She wants Revenge, Lucky Boys Confusion, and always the staples: Nirvana & Manson.
So listen up fellow RUMPaholicAns, go steal a few of these albums and give 'em a listen, remember ya heard it here first.... Ryan, OUT!

Ambiguity.Net

Ah the Internet... what a magical, convenient, and helpful tool. (all that with endless amounts of porno to boot!) Just think about it, we use and rely on the internet today for almost everything; cross country communication, work research, daily news, lowbrow humor, online shopping, and habitual masturbation just to name a few. But still one of the largest appeals of the internet is your near anonymous status while online. I mean for the most part you can get away with looking at and saying whatever the hell you want in the vast dark alleyways of cyberspace. And the scary part is there's some sick shit out there. (and a wecsite devoted entirly to it) You think you're a bit of a perv? Nope. Surf the web alittle... you're a freakin' saint. As for me, I'm satisfied with stealing sneak peeks at the Twistys.com babes, raiding Ben's Limewire account, and frequently updating the Myspace account where I post as sweet little 15 yr old "Ashlee" Gotta love the Net.

I'm the top10, Bitch!

Good Morning, my bitches... and you know you like when I call ya that too... Naw, you probably don't but whatta I care, its 7am and I'm hammered... here's your top10:

1. What spells Birthday like Vodka shots on the floor while you sing karoke and bitch at us (hey Dawn)
2. monday night's "24" episode, even without green, still fantastic... tick, tick, tick
3. mistaking my LA Looks hair-gel with cool-mint Aloe Vera can be quite the humorous experience
4. If more Presidents die, do I get more President's Days? Cuz I could be into that...
5. wake up your roommate at 4am, add in a smokin' blunt plus 2 drunk girls, and yet he's not pissed, but instead horny for the girls: Priceless
6. Brokeback Mountian: lets pretend, I'm gay and a cowboy... the movie still Sucked!
7. Personally I don't know ya Larry, but goddamnit, I sure am Jealous.
8. being creative yet very forgetful is nature cruel joke, and I still find it funny
9. what do you really call chick-cockblocking anyway? I'll tell ya, "Landscaping"
10. Disappiontment really does hurt more than you realize

Love Cocktail

I've been into equations recently (they just seem to make sense) and now that the dreaded V-Day has passed us by without too much destruction in it's path it's time to turn to what really makes love work in our daily lifes, Intoxication. So here's your HumpDay Tshirt winner, "Me plus You, times a few couple of drinks, equals Love!" So simple, so beautiful... now where's that lucky little lady I can get drunk and make fall in love with me hiding at?

Amores Perros

Valentine's Day is upon us once again, the national made-up commericalized holiday in which ladies everywhere expect to be pampered and nutured even more than usual. Yes, in the past, I too have fallen prey to these ridiculous tactics and have lost my diginigty and wallet all for the sake of some pretty girl. But not this year my friends! This year is my Valentine is Me! And I will be dining on sweet homecooked babyback ribs while toking a massive joint and watching "Saw II" on DVD. (now that's love)
However I did have myself a tender moment and mailed out sweet emotion-ridden Valentine cards to the three women in my life I love the most; my Mother, Sister, and Grandmother. But to the rest of you girls, sorry no dice, you ain't getting shit for me except maybe a good holiday shagging. So from me to you, Happy VD! ... (oops I meant Valentine's Day) and this year just remember Amores Perros (translation: "Love's a bitch")

Fun with Math 2

Welcome back, I've once again saddled up, strapped on my good ol' Thinkin' Cap, and decided to crunch some numbers... this week's topic at large: Overall Beer Consummation to Date. I like beer, I like beer alot and recently while grasping tightly to one of those beautiful, cylindrical bottles I started thinking "wow, just how many of these have I actually drank?" So using some of my newly acquired skills I learned while writing "Cellular Daze" I set off to work...

I really didn't start drinking til I was around 20 yrs old (and didn't turn professional until I started dating Jamie) so we begin our estimates there. I would guess that I have at least one beer per day every day and then of course you have to factor in that not so rare occasion when I have like 15+ (I mean last night was a pretty laid back evening and I had around 9) So how exactly do you get a educated guess at the overall number? Simple, with my patented Beertastic Formula: Y = 2.3(365) + X To those of you not as brilliant in math as myself that is in layman's terms: yearly total is equal to 2.3 beers a day times 365 plus extra yearly beer bonus, see told ya, Simple! Now let’s do the Math!
2.3(365) equals 839.5 and X should start at 0 and increase yearly by 30... so starting at year21 and going to month2 of year26... And are Total is 4643.5 bottles of beers on the wall! (talk about one hellva song to keep the kids busy during a long road trip) So how actuate are these numbers really? Honestly I couldn't tell you but as large as that number is, it really sounds about right. (especially after you factor in all those draft beer pitchers I've chugged down)

So now lets have some more fun "how much did that beer cost me?" Divide 4644 by 12 and you have yourself 387 twelve packs at an estimated averaged price of $15 (factoring in imports and those bar draft prices with tips) and that dollar amount is $5805. Really not as bad of a price tag as I expected for 5 whole fun-filled beer-soaked years! Tune in next time on Fun with Math when we attempt to figure out exactly how many dumps I've taken in my entire life... see ya then!

Tomorrow the World

Since it's really currently Monday Feb. 13th and I'm just now posting last week's HumpDay Tshirt winner, I figured it was only fair that the shirt would have something to do with my overdue tardiness.

So to all my other fellow Procrastinators out there... Unite now! Let us rise up and strike out against our masters and lords! Let us rage against the vaste machine that keeps locked in this daily rat race called life! Let us defy the very laws of gravity and shake the world to its core!

Or we could just have a beer and watch some TV...

Never Fear

Alright, alright so I've been a lazy bastard lately... well not really, I've really been juggling 2 jobs (one bullshit and one career) and working 10+ hour days which explains the lack of blogging recently. But never fear loyal RUMPaholicAns, I am alive, well, and most likely drunk... just the way you like me. So without farther procrastination, your Top10:

1. We got the One for the Thumb, glad to see all that loyal beer drinking I did helped out
2. 18" inches of rain make for one wet-ass BMW
3. A mixture of champagne and beer gets to be sticky when it's sprayed on you
4. Don't attempt to grill up dinner when you're too drunk to really stand
5. Nothing says "Hello" quite like a full blown titty grab
6. Closets: they hold your clothes and are fun to cry inside of
7. Sometimes it can take two grown men about an hour along with multiple failed tries in order to change a simple kitchen spotlight
8. Target (Tar-gee) is the Rodeo Drive of Chain Department stores
9. Rainy days were made for cuddling up and watching chick flicks
10. Condo Voting meeting: important for some, I'm there for the free Shiraz

Dark Female Plot Revealed!!

Here at RUMPaholicA we pride ourselves in delivering you BreakingNews first, and today Tampa police warned all men who frequent local bars and Superbowl parties this Sunday to stay cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a date rape drug called "Beer" to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available nearly everywhere. "Beer" is used by female predators to persuade helpless male victims to go home with them. Women need only persuade a man to consume a few of these "beers" and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex, a simple approach that renders most men helpless.
After several "beers," men will have sex even with unattractive women. Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened. (sounds just like my weekends huh?) Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life's savings in a scam called "a relationship."
In extreme cases, females have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called "marriage." (much like slavery) Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once this "beer" substance is administered.
Please get this warning of the females evil plot to every male you know. And if you, or some man you know, has fallen victim to this insidious "beer" and the predatory women who administer it. Rest assured: male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like-minded guys. For the support group nearest you, look in the Yellow Pages under "Golf Courses"
I'm Ryan Delong, reporting live for RUMPaholicA now back to you Tom and Cindy...

SuperBen: Man of Steel

Once again I was a little bit late for HumpDay this week, however I think I found a shirt and a pic to more than make up for it. As we all know this week is the calm before the storm that is SuperBowl XL. Usually that means nothing but practice, team meetings, and film tape viewings for all involved players, but not my Quarterback! Big Ben Roethlisberger is out, about, and already Drinking like a Champion! And to that I say "Well done, Ben... rock that beard, bang that random groupie, and come sunday win us that Superbowl!" Damn is that an awesome Tshirt or what? I totally want one! Also be sure to check out more of these great pics of Big Ben at http://www.deadspin.com/sports/ben-roethlisberger/index.php

Big #7 Reasons to a Championship
1. Ben's beard alone is tougher than Matt Hassleback
2. You can't stop the Tubbster
3. How fast is Alexander after a Terrible Towel is shoved down his throat?
4. The flyin' Hawaiian will be on you more than all that Seattle Rain
5. The Chin will Win
6. Seattle doesn't have the Steel Logo Gong
7. Our QB can out drink your entire Offense, Defense, and Special Teams combined