Listen to your Heart

We all have that small inner voice deep inside us somewhere that guides throughout life and directs us to that certain someone special in which we hope to fall madly in love with. So today our RUMPaholicA Tshirt winner pays homage to that sacred inner voice. We sincerely hope that each and everyone one of you lost and lonely in love out there just stop for a moment and listen to your heart, male or female, it'll never steer you wrong.

Mary Xmas!

From all of us to all of you, Merry Christmas! Hope yours was as fun filled and silly as mine was and that you got everything you ever wanted. I, myself, am still looking for that 5'9" blonde I know is hiding naked under the tree somewhere. Here kitty kitty...

STAR trek

My parents live in Nicholasville Ky (thats NichVegas to us local hicks) Anyway Nicholasville is a small town and like most small towns it has it's share of both annoying and endearing qualities. One such endearing quality is that when you look up at the night sky you are presented with natural endless starry wonder rather than assaulted by the bright lights, big city... And that's where this story begins. Once again my parents (shout out, Sam and Carol) and I were aimlessly walking around the lake, whimsically gazing up at the expansive night sky. My mother continued to get so distracted in fact that she fell behind on a number of occasions. She was attempting, in vain I might add, to locate the Big Dipper. I tried to help her out but also failed. However we did successfully (we thought) locate the little Dipper and for that we were proud. After completing our walk, we when inside where I grabbed myself a cold beer, my Dad retreated to his computer office, while my Mom begin to rummage around looking for something in particular. She emerged with a book titled "Exploring the Night Sky" and was a little more than excited about it. After pouring over the book for a few minutes with me watching with minor interest, she persuaded me to go back out into the cold Kentucky night for some slightly better educated star gazing. Once outside and using our new found astrology knowledge we successfully located the Big Dipper, Little Dipper, and the constellations Orion and Cassiopeia. At this point I must admit I was having a bit of fun and found I too soon matched my Mom's initial excitement. We rushed back inside to consult our text book and soon were back outside armed with more information. We continued on this track for about an hour and by the time we were through we had successfully located and viewed (thru binoculars) all the major constellations and individual stars including Capella, Polaris, Regulus, and Sirius. (funny how those last two are characters in Harry Potter) We even went so far as to search the internet and view close up pics of these stars taken by the Hubble telescope. Overall I really had a great time, as did my Mom, and I think we even learned some astro stuff out of it too. Just farther proof that you Never know where the Night may take you.

Ebonic Claus

Although I'm freezing my ass off up here in Kentucky I am not one to forget that it's Hump Day out there for those of you with real jobs. And with Christmas now only 3 days away I thought today's Tshirt winner should reflect this time of year and wish everyone a Happy Holiday. Thanks for keeping it real, Santa, Fo shizzle my nizzle!

Capital D

It was somewhere between a rousing match of Lego Star Wars on my Gamecube, flying my 3 foot Batman action figure around our condo, listening to Journey's Greatest Hits for the 1100th time, and eagerly downloading the new X-men teaser trailer that I realized... "I am a Dork"
and darn proud of it too.

Ice Ice Baby

We all use them. They chill our drinks, keep our Hotpockets company, and they make each and everyone of our lives just alittle more enjoyable. But when do we ever stop and contemplate the plight of the individual ice cube? I'll tell you when, Never! So today's Hump Day winner is for those forgotten little fellows who have given their lives to make us alittle happier. (sad music plays softly) Just think about it, there you are frozen and content in your tray with all your friends and family and then boom the giant door opens, your tray's picked up, you're twisted and cracked until you fall from your comfy spot, placed in a hard glass with a few other unlucky ones, and doomed to melt away under the warmth of a Dr Pepper. That's no way to go. So next time you reach in that freezer, stop and remember ice can have feelings too.

So Fresh 'n' Clean

Another nice December week has passed us by. And you're invited to my Tuesday night Slumber party; so grap yourself a pillow, lets crank up tha OutKast, dance alittle, and see what we've learned... go top10:

1. Dove Soap: it's so good it'll clean a rose, whatever that means
2. cheap futons do have a weight limit, it's called three fat guys
3. It's almost 2006 people, No more Bush!
4. Hay rides are much more entertaining if you're plastered
5. Procrastination, the most valuable skill you learned in college
6. there's nothing quite like pillow beating an unsuspecting
sleeping child
7. Taco Bell, the gift that keeps on giving
8. nothing on but a Santa hat, not always a sexy sight
9. there is no better present to a stoner than an 1/8th of
Christmas trees
10. condoms are the glass slippers of our generation

Air-o-Plans

This month continues to fly by and speaking of flying, I, myself am about to be airborne as well this Wednesday on my way back to Lexington Ky for two weeks of family fun and festivas. I haven't been home in 5 months so needless to say I'm looking forward to being home and seeing all my friends and family. (ps I'll try not to get arrested this time either) Also I haven't flown at all in around 3 yrs so I'm looking forward to that experience as well. Maybe this is just the little kid in me but there's just something fun about loading up into a little plane and jetting off into the sky, then you get to play with all the fun little controls and toss the free peanuts at other unsuspecting travelers. hehe So in order to ease my excitement I decided to do alittle research on the type of plane I will be flying in. And I must say I learned quite alot from this highly detailed blueprint I found on the company's website. "I mean did you know airplanes had tails?! How funny, I wonder if it can wag it?!" Upon farther inspection I realized when you pay $59 for a flight from SouthWest.com you shouldn't complain even if your plane is made of Tinker-toys, cause it's still a good deal. So wish me a safe trip and lets hope those "wings" work as good as they look in the blueprint. Up up and away!

Santa's Ghetto

We're beginning to get into that intoxicating Christmas spirit here at RUMPaholicA. While under this holiday spell I was just pondering the question... What would Santa Claus be like if he was a hardcore black gangbanger from SouthCentral, L.A. rather than that phat jolly cracker from the North Pole? So I compiled alittle list of sort with a few tell-tell signs if this new Santa ended up working at your local Macy's.

Signs You've Hired a Ghetto Department Store Santa
- Fluffy white beard is corn rolled and heavily soiled with Colt45
- Lectures each child on the wonders of gang life
- Tries to snort the fake snow
- The suit is more orange and reads "Correctional Facility"
- Attempts to pimp out his sled with 28" chrome spinners
- calls all the elves "Shorties"
- Every night he walks out with a sack full of blunts and Newports
- He has a blue rag hanging out of the back of his red suit.
- Instead of saying "ho,ho,ho" keeps mumbling something about "em whores"
- Tells every kid climbing on his lap, "Careful of Santa's Glock"
- background music isn't Christmas music but NWA's "fuck tha police"
- Points out which kids he thinks are gay
- Because of earlier gang raping, can't go within 100 yards of Victoria's Secret

Merry Ghetto Christmas!

White Advertising

Okay this time of year we all have our senses assaulted by the endless stream of Holiday advertising. You know sentimental Xmas jewelry spots, little elves hard at work in Santa's shop making Motorola's newest cell phone, and wives giving their husbands that new Lexus adorned with giant bows. (who in the hell gets a freakin' Lexus for Christmas really?) Yes all these spots are annoying but there is one in particular that really grinds my gears! That's right, those damn Coca-Cola Polar Bears! We've all seem these white beasts, with their scarves and sleds, smiling at the camera while sipping an icy Coke. What is the point here? Is this supposed to make me want a Coke? Polar bears don't drink soda, that's just plain stupid! And now this year they've got these Bears going down and sharing their cola with a group of little penguins. WTF!? Wouldn't it be such a better commercial if the polar bears trotted down there, swiped up a tasty penguin popped him in his jaws, and then proceeded to wash him down with the Coke. I mean that's alot funnier, more truthful, and it would make me think "Hmm, I wonder if Coca-Cola would be good with my meals?" And I'ld probably pick up a 12 pack too. Alright I'm done bitching about this for now but I gotta say this to all you Polar Bears up there in the North Pole, "I know you guys have endless amounts of white powder but come on, try to lay off the coke."

Little Bow-Wow

I was told recently that my blog was getting a bit of a dark style as of late. (I guess some of those lessons learned were a tad bleak) But hey that little lowercase f had a smile on his face, didn't he? So anyway in order to appease the masses today for the Hump Day Tshirt I figured I would lighten the mood slightly. And what better to do that with than a charming little puppy? Ahh, he's so freakin' cute... Hey, damnit, get off my leg!

Brought to you by the Letter...

Some REAL lessons I've learned in life.... and not the pretty "Friendship Forever" ones:

~*~ I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.
~*~ I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just real assholes.
~*~ I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
~*~ I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more fucked up than you think.
~*~ I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.
~*~ I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities.
~*~ I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.
~*~ I've learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you're down will be the only ones who don't
~*~ I've learned that we don't have to ditch bad friends, because in the long run their dysfunction makes us feel better about ourselves.
~*~ I've learned that no matter how parents try to protect their children, they will eventually do drugs, get arrested, and end up in the local paper.
~*~ I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important annoying ones just never go away.
~*~ I've learned to say, "Fuck'em if they can't take a joke" in 6 languages.

All I want for Christmas

It's that stressful time of year again, Christmas is coming up fast and heavy and I'm scrambling to make all the necessary travel plans and gift preparation on a extremely limited budget this year. However I still had alittle time to jot down a few Xmas wishes for all you internet ladies out there. So I made my list, now I just need someone to help me check it twice. (wink wink)

The Dukes of Clearwater

What a crazy weekend it was... beer flowin', party crashin', karaoke singin', convertible hoppin', stripper fondlin', tequila shotin', dirty dancin', wall hittin', poolside nappin', work skippin', and all in a course of 4 days. Lets see what stuck... the top10.

1. I believe I'm related to every good looking woman living in Naples
2. Turkey, it just keeps getting better the longer it's in the frig
3. cheap wine and tequila = the worst hangover ever
4. attempting a Dukes of Hazard style jump into a convertible can be a very bad idea
5. that 3am glass of eggnog can come back to haunt you
6. you know you have quite successfully crashed a private party when you end up in their company Christmas photo
7. black electrical tape and super glue can fix just about anything
8. nothing says class like a deaf stripper
9. Petron silver is as expensive as it is good
10. dreams really do come true

Better Watch Out

Okay so I was alittle late with the Hump Day Tshirt winner this week. But now it's December 1st and I'll tell you who wouldn't be late. That's right, Jolly Saint Nick... So you better watch out, I'm telling you twice, becasue Santa Claus is Cuming. And I don't think he's wearing a condom either. (Wow, I'm sorry, this one is just plain wrong) But quite funny!